net and then I came across this person who, at nearly thirty years old, was still writing fanfiction for Magical Girl anime And it was that traditional, full frontal, badly punctuated fanfiction, too.
I sat back slowly, and I thought this what if, at thirty, I m still writing this dreck What if I get so wedged in this rabbit hole of bad fanfic that I never actually produce anything original, or of substance Well, Halo embodies every trap I was afraid of falling into, at fourteen years old It is some of the most obnoxious, insane, shittily written claptrap I have ever read in my life That one star up there Unintended comedic value That s what that s for.
The writing is abhorrently, almost insultingly bad It makes me hurt to think that someone read this sentence, It s usually pretty chill around here except things have been a bit weird lately and decided that there was no way the world could live without the craft of Adornetto Like, is Macmillan for real with this I just What the fuck is that.
I feel like this book has some kind of vendetta against punctuation It s like it s making an Occupy YA protest against correct grammar Either that or it s a personal attack against people who give a shit about where question marks go For example There should have been a question mark at the end of this sentence Yes, but what if they think I m weird But there should not have been a question mark at the end of this sentence I can t believe that stuff really interests you Do you SEE what I mean Also, I had to read this sentence, A door slammed and a girl with brown curls pulled back from her face with a headband appeared about six times before it made any sense.
There s also this In my dress I resembled a column of shimmering moonlight I resembled a column of shimmering moonlight A column of shimmering moonlight A COLUMN OF SHIMMERING MOONLIGHT Honest to god, it s this bad It is an absolute piss take This book honestly does have to be seen to be believed And it s bad enough that the dialogue is murderously cheesyYou can t be An angel JackpotOr, even worseHoly crap Would you mind not blasphemingbut the plot is justnah.
There s nothing to say about the plot Because it isn t there There is no plot to speak of It is absent Non existent There has been a mass plot exodus.
It s kind of like The Inn of the Sixth Happiness or Paranormal Activity You have to wade through an entire sinkhole of wobbly black nothingness to get to some actual substance, and when you think you ve finally unearthed something, anything to validate the existence of this story, it slips from thine desperate hands And then you re left standing there alone, covered in shit, wondering where your time went And your fucking money, too Look, Macmillan if I wanted to spend my money on a turd, I would buy a turd Don t try and gaslight me with this.
But the thing is that I m not exaggerating For the first 300 or so pages, Bethany swoons And that s it And it s not like Xavier is attractive, or anything In fact, he s fucking horrible Horrible like Mel Gibson or Johnny Depp We re told that Xavier has such a good heart, and yet he shits all over Bethany from the greatest height I honestly do not understand how anyone can find this controlling, vindictive, obsessive, domineering, creepy, cruel, misogynistic, condescending, chauvinistic, stupid and absurd boy attractive How How Someone explain to me what the allure of Xavier is Please.
Let s just pare it back a little and take a closer look Let s put Xavier under the microscope Case in point I knew that if I wanted to keep my entire world from falling apart, I would have to keep Xavier 217 Entrusted to look after me by Gabriel and Ivy 247 He was the one who reminded me to drink plenty of water and the one who deflected questions about my family from curious classmates He even took it upon himself to answer for me one day when Mr Collins asked why I hadn t managed to finish my homework by the due date I knew that if it slipped my mind, Xavier would complete it for me and hand it in without my knowledge 248 He became fiercely protective whenever anybody he didn t approve of came within a two foot radius of me 248 What s wrong with him I asked crossly He seems nice enough He s not your type of person Why You ask a lot of questions, don t you 248 Her business is my business 249 I m not hungry Gabriel always cooks a big breakfast Here, eat this, he commanded and pushed a health bar across the table 251 Xavier chuckled as he told me the story, amused by the irrational antics of the females in his family 253 If nobody can see the controlling, obsessive and downright abusive nature of those quotes above, then I give up I surrender I have no fucks to give, here The field in which I grow my fucks is barren All I can say is that Xavier is a very frightening, very twisted rape fantasy You may balk, Rape fantasy He never shows any signs of sexually assaulting Bethany Rape culture runs so much deeper than bare faced sexual assault Rape culture is the ultimate snake in the grass It thrives on the encompassing control and subordination of women, the propagation of gender roles strong and dependable man, weak and stupid woman so that, when a woman is raped or treated in any derivative way of rape, it is shrugged off as just a man fulfilling his needs or she was asking for it or she s hysterical delusional overreacting or what a crazy bitch, she should calm down Bethany is coddled and roughed around like a toy, or an accessory on Xavier s arm Everything they do is on Xavier s terms It is what he wants, when he wants it, and Bethany is so in awe of him that she allows him to treat her like chattel It made me feel dirty while I was reading it There is something so twisted and base about the idolization of a love interest like this What exactly is wrong with society and media that we would actually endorse this behaviour And what is wrong with those people who say that the feminist movement has done her job and is out of work, and that fighting for socioeconomic equality is old hat Who are those people Are they misogynists, or just blind to the fact that characters like Xavier are not characters at all they are wish fulfillment devices Meaning that folk out there have been taught to wish for a submissive role in a relationship with a prince who will not only sweep them off their feet, but take them home after the party, cut off their landline connection and create a press frenzy It s exactly the sort of patriarchal shite that caused the disgusting culture of blame around the Steubenville rape case, and that plucked Johnny Depp off the hook after he beat the shit out of his wife All over the internet are turgid white men screaming, Amber Heard wants money but if she fucking wanted money, mate, then why did she donate every penny of her divorce settlement to charity Hm, I wonder But all of this is just window dressing for my favorite quote of the entire book For this evening at least, feminist philosophy had been abandoned, and the girls, like fairy tale princesses, let themselves be lead up the flight of steps into the foyer I just love this I love it First of all, it acts as though feminist philosophy is about two things not wearing dresses and not touching men Also, feminists are against fun They re against anything traditionally feminine That s why the feminists threw me out of their club Because my hair is pink and my clothes are pretty and I like platform sneakers I would tackle the other characters because I haven t yet, but what s the fucking point Ivy barely has a pulse Gabriel is just an imprint of Xavier, but in a creepy brotherly role rather than a sexual one, and Bethany is like a big piece of glittery cardboard Molly is just a placeholder to praise Bethany s virginity And Jake is so incredibly random that I m averse to even calling him a character What is he What exactly is going on with him He s obviously from the UK I m not sure where in the UK he s from because he s got a British accent , which is so laughably vague, but since you re making it so broad, I have a headcanon that he s got that really broad Glasgow accent that makes everything sound overly cheerful because everybody there is evil, right, and he has this tattoo and he rides a motorbike and he s so scandalous If I had pearls, I d be clutching them I hate pearls They creep me out I don t want hard oyster poops threaded on a string and hanging around my neck What do you take me for There s also the hilarious physical description of him His eyes are described as cat green I may be mistaken, but I m pretty sure that cats aren t green Man, was I wrong I must be I m a feminist Stop laughing, feminists You re not allowed to have fun.
As it nears the end, the overall quality of this book really goes down the crapper At one point, Molly, Gabriel and Beth are having this cozy little chat in the kitchen and when Molly agonizes over her weight, Gabriel basically snaps his fingers in her face and says, Eat, bitch Now, don t get me wrong We went over this with the whole beach body debacle It was fatphobic bollocks But this book is shallower than a teaspoon Molly and Gabriel talk about this Hot Teen Issue in such a skin crawly stilted way and I just didn t believe it I felt like I was receiving a direct lecture from the author, and that doesn t cut it for me That s not enough to convince me that I don t need to diet And anyway, the subliminal messaging in this book just totally negates this We have this nonsense about inner beauty, in the middle of a book where every single character on Team Good is stunningly beautiful Bethany says not to invite Xavier in, because she looks a mess What You just gave us a lecture on the value on inner loveliness, and yet you base your entire book on a relationship that places physical beauty on the highest possible bullshit pedestal, having Bethany chatter on and on about how hot Xavier is, how beautiful angels are, and how she couldn t live without Xavier s eyes or muscles or what have you It s this kind of absurd, shallow, wishy washy bullshit that gives YA such horrible press It completely ruins it for the good books.
To conclude This is shallow, unbelievable, pretentious tripe with a really fucking bleak moral background I hate Bethany, and Xavier, and Jake I hate Ivy, too, this maudlin useless doormat whose personal mission apparently consists of chaining herself to the kitchen and the church Phantom and Alice add nothing to the story and are just plot devices so that Bethany s sickly sweet nature can win our stony hearts What a base, filthy character she is I can t stand her If I met her, I d slap the shit out of her There is no plot to this book A good editing job could have sliced it down to about 150 pages, and even then the watery excuse for a villain and Bethany s perfection would still have made me barf into my hair Why did Our Father the fuck send the Agents of Light to an English speaking upper middle class town where everybody is getting on with their lives just fine How convenient, no How fortunate for Bethany to have arrived in a place where she can fall in love with a rich white boy with a nice family and perfect health The brutal thing about this book is that it was almost a cool idea, and if it had been executed better it could have been awesome For example, both race and crosses in class and tradition could have been explored if a little thought had been put into it What if Bethany and her cohorts had been sent to a remote area of old timey Sub Saharan Africa where Bethany has to juggle both her good deeds and growing love for a male tribe member What if Bethany had been entered into a war zone where she had to save the people from constant threats of violence while gradually being drawn to a young soldier on the opposing side What moral dilemma would this pose It s not hard to think outside the box or at least it shouldn t be books, especially those aimed at young people, have extraordinary power Young minds are like sponges, and if you re standing up on a podium and lighting this sort of sexist garbage fire, then what are you doing with your social responsibility You re making a mockery of it Today s YA does not even have to reflect the depth of 1984 or A Tale Of Two Cities it just has to matter If it doesn t, then what s the point I could learn about the value of love and healthy body image by watching Say Yes To The Dress And that show is also a garbage fire One star for unintentional comedy And that is all.
WHERE DO I EVEN BEGIN This has to be one of the WORST books ever written Everything in this book annoyed me It was terrible in every way badly thought out plot, hypocritically religious, with really and I mean really shallow characters Did I mention it is was a hypocritical book Can I emphasis on hypocritical I m not even a Catholic But this book, it just ARGGHHH It is so frustrating, I cannot describe it in words To be honest, it was the Catholic s version of Twilight I felt like the author copy and pasted Twilight, than changed everyone s name.
Cheesy love, stupid damsel in distress, unrealistic boyfriend, and an awkward projection of God and purgatory heaven hell Its gets on my nerves that the author started writing this book with a strange and rigidly religious sense and at the same time be so SO narrow minded about everything Her religious views observed through her book are based off artificial foundations Hey, hate to break it to you Adornetto, but life is not based on how good looking you are The characters are all shallow.
so, so shallow It makes me sad I didn t even bother to learn the name of any of the characters My first impression of the book after the 2nd chapter I can t believe this was published GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH JUST WRITING THIS REVIEW IS GETTING ME WORKED UP If I ever get the chance, I m going to shove Alexandra Adornetto into a hole and cement it shut so that she will never again, make garbage Sigh I m not even a religious person.
OH I m also pretty sure an angel would be sent to an improvished town and help the poor All the main character does is go to a private prep school and walk down the beach to eyeball hot guys I mean, I don t find anything wrong at staring at hot guys HECK, I do it all the time But the main character is a freaking ANGEL AN ANGEL Doesn t she have angel duties to attend to Like I dunno help humanity Save a hobo Feed starving children Instead of going to a private school for the wealthy and date really rich kids Why are you attending a rich private school where people can feed themselves In the book, why are an Angel s only capable ability is charity work and community service I mean really I am 100% positive angels are NOT that lame As a simple observation, I also noticed that this book was aimed towards white people Maybe because I am not a white person Asian and proud , I feel obligated to point out that everyone in the story was WHITE All the angels, the boyfriend, any relevant character was white Maybe the author thinks that god is white isn t religion open for every race I felt like the book had a double meaning for white supremacy.
I see white people It was a dry, hard to read, un refreshing, love story mixed in with hypocritical religious views.
The only redeeming quality of this book was the front of it But like the old saying, never trust a book by it s cover Halo might of had a pretty cover, but DAYUM Everything inside is vile, putrid Twilight wannabe In conclusion I HATED every single thing in this book with a passion that burns like a thousand suns After I read it, I wanted to wash out my eyes with lemon juice and toilet water I don t recommend it Save your time, and read something else DO NOT READ.
Reading this book was like watching Sinbad or Atlantis or any other one of those rubbish Disney movies that wanted to be like their original Princess classics but also new and fresh and imaginative.
It s lame It wants to be classic and awesome but also new and different and I use the word different with all the superiorly quasi amusement of someone trying to praise a child and has nothing positive to say Yes, Jenny, I see that you ve put glue in your hair That s sodifferent The problem is that it utterly fails at new and different Supernatural creature human Twue loff Except when the supernatural creature is the chick and she still manages to be lamer than Bella Swan, I call dibs on throwing popcorn or bomb infused popcorn depending on my mood To be honest, I could go on about the many mistakes I saw within the first few chapters before I tossed the book out and decided I HAVE A LIFE, DAMNIT Wait, so Gabriel, who is not THE archangel Gabriel is a few centuries old yet later you tell us he was there for the destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah Dude, that s not a few centuries old, that s several thousand years old I could talk about the writing or the I M A CHARACTER style of characterization But really, what s the point It was written by a teenager who s only just barely drinking her first shots of passion pop That s like taking potshots at a toddler because he doesn t draw inside the lines She ll hopefully grow and learn and get better Besides, I m not even the target audience This book is CLEARLY geared toward the kind of teenage girls who WANT to be helpless and taken care of and protected and cherished Well, I m not a girl, I m a woman and I m not interested in reading about pretty little princesses who would trip over their own billowing hemline if the charming hero wasn t around to rescue them dashingly, may I add So I m not going to tear into it and lose my temper and imagine that with each punchy sentence and angry jab, I m stabbing the author in the face No I m going to do what I do when any other child proudly shows me their work with a big corny grin I won t lie but I won t be mean either The cover art is lovely, Adornetto, and I really like how you managed to get all the print onto the page So there you are No supermean review Seriously She s a teenage girl Sure the book pretty much sucks beyond all reckoning but I like to think I m adult enough to give her a pat on the head, tell her to go play with the other kids while I talk to the adults.
But that doesn t mean I want to spend money on this shit